i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
