listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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