i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
