he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I know her cup size but not her name....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
