Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
