Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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