i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
