I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
