So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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