I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
