I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
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Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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