Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
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fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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