I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
