I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
