Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
