I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
