Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
