so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
