I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
