vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
