i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
God, I missed his penis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
