I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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