They should really pass out barf bags in church
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
