at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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