I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
