yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
