If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
