i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
