Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
