I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
