i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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