I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Randomize
