Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
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Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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