watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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