im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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