11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
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