Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
