Just fell off a train. Bad.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
