Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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