the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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