Apparently you make a good broom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
