so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
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We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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