she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
