I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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