I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
