She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
