me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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