Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
