My liver just broke up with me...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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