i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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