i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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