party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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