the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm always down for nudity.
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