last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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