While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
