I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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