i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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