just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My life is pants optional.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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