I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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