Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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