Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
