Three words: puerto rican gang bang
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
